they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
