did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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