Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
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