I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
