I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
