I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize