I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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