Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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