New low: just hacked my moms facebook
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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