Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
