Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Randomize
