You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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