I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
