My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
