I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize
