So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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