my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Randomize
