i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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