her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
they're like a gay fantastic four
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize
