My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
This is my gift to your gina
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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