So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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