im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
She's like a pop up book from hell.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
