she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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