My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
