she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
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