just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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