I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
