you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
