My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Randomize
