one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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