No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
She has the best kind of daddy issues
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
