Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
