glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
