I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
