I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
