Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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