I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
She's not a foreskin expert like you
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
