he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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