I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
