So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
