Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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