you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
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