My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
