I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
