so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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