I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
The air was thick with penises
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Randomize
