If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
