Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Let's get the cat blown out
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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