Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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