I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
