didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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