hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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