If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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