i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
