It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Let's paint friendship bongs
I need a burrito and a hug.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
