woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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