There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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