He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
