That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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