Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
